Almost A Super Lesbo

Eleanor Margolis interviewed me this morning for The Most Cake. She’s got a career ahead of her – I told her things I wouldn’t tell my mother, although I don’t tell my mother anything so maybe that’s not saying much.

One topic that came up in our conversation: What percentage gay am I? And at first I said 90%, although I’ve never been good at math. So after I thought about it more, I figured about 99%. I leave 1% because I only watch gay porn and when I meet a cool guy, I sometimes want to be him, so I confuse that for attraction.

But there have been times when I have been attracted to a guy. Does that make me less gay?

If a straight guy says he’s been with a guy, or been attracted to one or two in his life, he’s considered gay. He doesn’t even have the right to be an open-minded straight dude or a bisexual. And if a lesbian says, sure, I’d do a guy, she’s considered straight. I’ve been with men and this doesn’t make me any more or less gay, it just means I fell off the wagon.

Why are so many people offended - gays and straights - by numbers that don't equal 100 or 0?

I am confused by sexuality not because it’s confusing, but because it’s one of the simplest things on the planet. People make it confusing.

And I'm ashamed to say that I’ve been one of those simpletons. I met a guy at a party and he just seemed gay and no matter what he said, in my head, I sounded like such an asshole: “Oh, you're in denial, so cute.”

I don’t think we, as people, want to agree. We will always have arguments and judgments because it’s what we do. Sometimes, I don’t believe a thing I say, but I say it because I have to have an opinion about something. I don’t know if that’s right or wrong, but I guess without all this commentary, there would be nothing to talk about.

And then what would I write?